It’s easy, in the face or a partner or spouse shouting at us to shout back, or stonewalling us, to “pick, pick, peck, peck, prod, prod” to try and stimulate a response (then they roar) and whole thing escalates into an alarming row often over something apparently little e.g. loading / unloading, the dishwasher.
It seems inconceivable that the shout or silence that launched the row was, in fact, a distress call, a “mayday”, from someone who, in response to something we’ve said, done or not done (all unknowing), suddenly connected to earlier examples (often before they met us) of feeling attacked, abandoned, betrayed, let down or confused and thereby, in the present, feeling a sudden, shocking, emotional distance from the one (us) with whom, until that moment, they’d felt safest, closest and by whom they felt most understood, seen and loved.
A sudden blast of cold emotional air slicing into a soft and exposed emotional self made completely vulnerable because, in the presence of their loved one (us), they’d dared divest themselves of all emotional armour for, open, naked (and thereby vulnerable), is how to get close enough to another to feel truly loved.
That shock, in the moment, of our beloveddoing something we did not expect and so out of character with who we believed them to be (and perhaps so like someone who hurt us, betrayed us or let us down in the past), means we’re gripped by the icy fear of “have I made a terrible mistake? If this person could do or say this thing at which I am feeling now so shocked then what else could they do or say? Have I misplaced my trust? Have I been a complete fool?”
The one we utterly trusted has, in that split second, become someone we do not recognise. In that protest is a seeking to restore closeness an “OMG, please prove my fears wrong and quickly! Bring back the person I recognise!” It is fear is fueling the heat and volume of the protest, that desire to be reassured in response to the mayday that all is well, that we are, after all, safe and our fears unfounded. If that sound like psychobabble, here are some examples and their translations:
Example: “You care more about watching sport than you do about me!”
Translation: “I miss you, you’re the one who means most to me in the world, I realise we never get any ‘we’ time with you, I worry you, precious you, may be slipping away from me and I fear that more than anything.”
Example: “There you are, sitting around when and I have so much to do”
Translation: “Help me, I’m drowning and overwhelmed with what is on my plate, I’m not expecting you to take on what I can no longer do, I am on my knees, please comfort me, come to my aid, help me up, help me make sense of it, work together on what to stop doing, what we can outsource or obliterate and how better to handle what we have to keep doing. Help me feel less alone, that you have my back as I have yours”.
Children have no qualms about asking for what they need yet it seems as we grow into adults loads of “shoulds / should nots”, quietly strangle any request before we make it. We can repress a need for only so long before the build up of anxiety or resentment becomes uncontainable and explodes out in a disordered, uncontrolled and shocking way at a spouse or partner who is then blindsided, bewildered and starts doing the whole “I thought I knew this person and now they remind me of someone horrible from my past, have I been betrayed / misled / been an idiot?” thing and launches into “fight fire with fire” be it by shouting back or stonewalling which, of course, is the opposite of what the distress call was aiming to achieve so protest intensifies as does response and, emotional fuel rods now firmly in, the row goes nuclear.
Next time a loved one comes at you all guns blazing, or walks off saying “whatever, do what you want”, perhaps catch your own shock-induced knee-jerk “attack is the best form of defence” reaction (which will take things forward and into a “don’t talk to me like that!” or “your behaviour is so infantile / unacceptable” style argument), pause, metaphorically see where the punch is coming from and try staying where they are by asking “hey, hey, hey Darling, what just happened there, what is this about? I’m here, I’m want to know, sit down, tell me”. We do it for our children, perhaps we can do it for our loved one’s inner child and, in so doing, help them get their adult self back in the room, the one that can say “when I see you watching sport I realise I miss you and wish we could have some time together, how do you feel about that?”
What is the payoff? Well, like a high wire trapeze act, when our partner lets go in that recoil of terror and looks at use like we have shape-shifter into a monster, if we can swing towards them (rather than swing away at grand vitesse) then, when your couple comes back together, it is with a deeper understanding of each other and consequently a
What’s the payoff? What makes stoicism in the face of what may feel like a full frontal assault worth it?
Well, like a high wire trapeze act, when our partner lets go of us in that recoil of terror and looks at us like we have shape-shifted into a monster, if we can do the opposite of what everything within us may be screaming at us to do (swing away at grand vitesse or engage: head down, horns metaphorically locked and pushing) and instead swing towards them, reach out to them then, as your couple comes back together, it is with a deeper understanding of each other and consequently a better hold, a newer, tighter and more secure grip. In that you will both feel a rush of sweet relief, reassurance and security in that the person we love is still there, even more wonderful a person than we had hitherto thought and we feel even closer to them, a closeness often that we did not even know was possible because we thought we were as close as it was possible to be. We can each see our loved one anew and know them, or be known, more deeply.
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